


Taking The Next Steps

by Small_Hobbit



Series: A New Start [3]
Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 05:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7421173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Hobbit/pseuds/Small_Hobbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucas North and Adam Carter are in a relationship.  The logical next step for them is to start to live together, the question is whether they can overcome the various obstacles in the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Making A Start

**Author's Note:**

> All my thanks to Vix Spes for reading through, pointing out the errors and generally encouraging me.

Lucas North was surprised when his phone rang with Adam Carter’s name on the caller display.  With Wes going on a school ski trip the next day Lucas and Adam had agreed they would catch up with each other after Wes’ departure, to enable Adam to spend time with his son before he went.

Lucas grabbed his phone and said, “Adam, is there a problem?”

“I need to ask you a favour,” Adam replied, almost hesitantly.

“Of course, what can I do for you?”

“There’s been a last minute change of Wes’ coach departure time.  He needs to be at school at nine o’clock tomorrow morning and not midday.  His grandparents were going to pick us up, but they won’t be back from the West Country in time now.  I hate to ask, but would you be able to take us?”

“Of course, that’ll be no problem at all.”

“Actually, it’s not quite that simple …”

Adam stopped, so Lucas said, “Tell me what you’d like me to do.”

“The thing is, I’m still finding the mornings difficult.  It would be really helpful if you could stay over and give us a hand first thing.”

Lucas could hear Wes shouting in the background, but couldn’t work out what was being said.  “What time would you like me to come this evening?” he asked.

“Come when you like,” Adam replied.  “Wes says you might as well come for dinner, there’s casserole enough for three.”

Lucas laughed.  “Right, I’ll throw some stuff in a bag and then I’ll be over.”

Lucas packed the essentials into his overnight bag and then stopped to put a book in too.  This was followed by four more books.  He looked down in despair.  Three months after his return and he was still hoarding his possessions, not wanting to leave things behind because he was afraid they wouldn’t be there when he returned.

He took a deep breath and decided that he wasn’t prepared to deal with the sense of building panic that would come from deciding which to leave.  It wasn’t as if he would have to carry his bag far, since he was driving, so the extra weight wouldn’t be an issue.  As an afterthought, he picked up his stuffed panda, the feel of which still grounded him when he panicked at nights.

When Lucas arrived at Adam’s house it wasn’t difficult to feel the tension.

Nevertheless Adam greeted him warmly and said, “I’m just going to get the potatoes on and then I’ll help Wes finish packing.  I’d hoped to have finished by now, but …”

“Tell you what, you do the potatoes and I’ll sort the packing.  I presume he’s got a kit list.”

Adam looked extremely grateful, “Thank you.  I’ll pour some wine, too.”

Lucas loped up the stairs and knocked on Wes’ bedroom door.  “The valet’s here to finish your packing, sir,” he called out.

A cheeky voice replied, “Come in, Jeeves.”

Lucas went in to find an empty bag on the floor and the bed covered in clothing.  “Kit list?” he asked.

Wes passed it over.

“Right.  I’ll read out the items, you pass them to me to put on the floor by the bag and then together we’ll get it all packed.”

It didn’t take long for Lucas and Wes, crawling around on the floor, to get everything into the bag.  Lucas could see why it would have caused problems for Adam, who would have had difficulty working on the floor.  The ceiling sloped over the bed, which made sitting on it difficult for a grown man, although Wes seemed very happy with the arrangement.

Once they had finished, Wes looked at Lucas and said, “You are going to stay here whilst I’m away, aren’t you?  I’m worried about Dad being on his own.”

“I was going to call in on him, but I wasn’t planning on staying all the time.”

“Please, Lucas, please promise me you’ll stay.” 

Lucas could hear Wes was close to tears.  “If you want me to, I will.  But your Dad may not want me to stay all the time.”

Wes nodded.  “I’ll take care of that.  Thank you!”

At that moment Adam called up the stairs, “Dinner’s ready.”

When they had finished eating, Lucas said, “Thank you, that was excellent.”

“Thank you for helping with the packing,” Adam replied.  “Did you get everything in?”

“Yes, I told you it would all fit,” Wes replied.  “And Lucas has promised to stay with you while I’m away.”

“Oh!” Adam said.  “He doesn’t have to.”

“Yes, he does,” Wes said firmly.  “He’s promised.”

Lucas nodded.  “It’s fine by me.  If we can call into my flat after we’ve taken Wes tomorrow morning I can pick up some more clothes.”

“If you’re sure …” Adam said.

Lucas smiled, “Of course I am.”

***

Lucas woke in the night and instinctively put his arm out to feel for the panda, which was on the floor by his bed.  As his fingers came into contact with its fluffy head he sensed his breathing start to slow slightly.  He pulled the panda up and gave it a hug, grateful there was no-one there to see him.

He could hear Emily Saunders, his counsellor from Richmond Red House, speaking in his head.  “Concentrate on the panda.  Don’t try to think about anything.  Keep your mind on the panda.”  He did as he was instructed and slowly the terrors of the dream which had woken him began to fade.  In the morning he could worry about the trigger; night-time darkness was not the time for such thoughts.

He had asked Saunders why holding the panda seemed to have such a soothing effect, for he couldn’t remember being particularly attached to any such toys as a child.  Saunders had been of the opinion it was partly because he’d been happy when the panda had been acquired, but also a stuffed panda had no connection with anything in his past, in Russia or before, and so was a tie to the present.

Whatever the reason, it worked.  After the first disastrous counselling session, Saunders had asked him if he’d got anything he’d like to bring with him, citing some people found having a picture helpful as an anchor.  Lucas had tentatively suggested the panda, expecting Saunders to laugh, but she’d taken him seriously, so thereafter the panda had gone to counselling with him.

The first time Lucas had stayed at Adam’s house, he’d told Adam rather shame-facedly he’d be bringing the panda as it helped when he had nightmares.  Adam had told him not to worry, whatever worked was fine with him.  And when Lucas had expressed the hope it would only be a temporary measure Adam had muttered, “Rome wasn’t …” and said he would explain to Wes.  Wes took the panda as being Lucas’ aid to recovery in the same way he accepted the extra equipment Adam needed following the loss of his leg.

Once Lucas felt calm he put the panda back on the floor, checked  again he had set his alarm, and drifted back to sleep.

***

In fact, Lucas had no need of an alarm, as he was woken by the sound of a bag sliding downstairs and landing with a thud, followed by Adam’s worried voice calling to ask if Wes was okay.

Lucas got up and made his way to the top of the stairs.  “It’s okay, I’ll see to things,” he said.  “There’s no problem.”

He ran down the stairs to where Wes was looking rather guiltily at the table which had been knocked over by his bag.

“Right, first things first,” Lucas said quietly, not wanting Adam to worry further.  “Are you hurt?”

Wes shook his head.

“And is your bag damaged – the handles or the zips?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“I’ll check your bag and pick all this up.”  Lucas indicated the paraphernalia which had been on top of the table.  “You go and put the kettle on and get bowls and mugs out.”

Wes departed to do as he’d been told and Lucas straightened the furniture and checked the bag.  It had been bought to withstand being thrown around by luggage handlers and its over rapid descent of the stairs hadn’t done it any harm.  Having reassured himself on that, Lucas went into the kitchen.

“I suggest we take your Dad’s breakfast up to him and you and he can eat breakfast in his room.  I’ll have a shower and eat my breakfast downstairs whilst he gets himself ready.  Is that okay with you?”

“Yes,” Wes nodded.  He loaded the tray up and then looked doubtfully at it.

“It’s all right, I’ll carry the tray up,” Lucas said with a smile.  “We don’t want a repeat of your bag.”

Lucas placed the tray on Adam’s bedside table, before going for his shower.  Once back downstairs he smiled to himself as he heard father and son both giving each other instructions on taking care of themselves.  He glanced at the clock and called, “We should be leaving in ten minutes.”

“We’ll be there,” Adam called back in reply.

***

Having waved Wes off on the coach without any mishap Lucas drove back to his flat.  Once Lucas had parked Adam followed him into the entrance hall, and then Lucas stopped.

“I’m on the third floor, and there’s no lift, so would you prefer to wait in the car?” he asked.

“No, I’ll be fine if I take my time.  You go on up and put the kettle on.”

Lucas made his way upstairs and left the door on the latch for Adam, who joined him a few minutes later.

“It doesn’t look quite like I’d have imagined your flat would look like,” Adam said.

Lucas looked from the kitchen doorway at the heavy dark wood furniture in the main room and laughed.  “Yes, it’s not what I’d have chosen, but the flat came ready furnished and it’s quite comfortable.  I had to provide my own kitchenware though.”

Adam came into the kitchen to have a look.  “Hmm,” he said, “so I see.”

“When I moved in it was suggested it would be easier for me if I didn’t immediately get my old belongings out of storage.  Malcolm’s mother instantly offered my some of her spare crockery and Jo had just bought a new dinner set, so gave me her old one.  I imagine you can tell which was which.”

“Somehow I cannot see Malcolm’s mother ever using anything with multi-coloured polka dots, so I conclude hers was the tasteful green and white with gold rims.”

“Got it in one.  But you have to admit, not everyone has a soup tureen.”  Lucas opened a cupboard door to show off this particular possession.

They both laughed and Lucas closed the cupboard door again before making the coffee and carrying it through into the main room.

“Have a seat and drink your coffee, while I throw some clothes in a bag,” Lucas said.  “Oh, I probably ought to check the fridge and get rid of anything which won’t last the week.  Unless you want to stay for an early lunch and help eat up what there is?”

“Lunch sounds good to me.  I had nothing else planned for today.”

After lunch they sat back on the settee together.  Adam put his arm round Lucas and pulled him close.

“How do you fancy sharing my bed this week?” Adam asked.

Lucas stiffened and pulled back.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to,” Adam said, the concern in his voice clear.

Lucas got up and went into his bedroom.  “We ought to make a move,” he said.

They drove back to Adam’s house in an uncomfortable silence.  When they got there, Lucas took his bag up to his room and unpacked his clothes, while he tried to bring his thoughts under control.  Eventually, feeling calmer, he was ready to go downstairs.  Awkwardly he picked up the panda and carried it into the sitting room, where he sat in an armchair with it.

Adam smiled at him.  “Do you want a cup of tea or coffee?”

“Not at the moment.”  He paused and then added, “Thank you.”  He hesitated.  “I owe you an apology.”

“Lucas, you don’t owe me anything,” Adam said quietly.

“An explanation then.  It was the thought of being physically close to someone in the night.  At times we were in cells where it was impossible to do anything but sleep close to each other, the cells were so small.  I was generally jammed in next to the wall.  Sleeping this way did have the advantage it wasn’t as cold, but still …”  He paused, biting his lip as the memories came back.

“There’s more, isn’t there?”

“There was one guy who was actually quite fond of me.  Oh, not in that way.  He was rather simple; we’d say he had learning difficulties.  He tried to take care of me a bit and would share his blanket with me.”

Lucas paused and buried his face in the panda to cover his tears.  Adam remained still.

Lucas continued.  “He died.  I think it was something congenital.  I really missed him afterwards.”

He rubbed his fist in his eyes.  “This is the first time I’ve told anyone about him.”

Adam started to get awkwardly to his feet.

“Shall I come over to you?” Lucas asked.

“Yeah, it would be easier.  Bring the panda.”

Lucas did as Adam said and joined him on the sofa.  “You must think I’m a complete loser, crying onto a stuffed panda for someone I was in prison with.”

“No I don’t.  I think you’re mourning the loss of someone who showed you kindness when no-one else did.  And I’m glad you were able to tell me about him.”

“You probably think this a silly idea, but I had been thinking of lighting a candle for him in a church.”

“As a sort of farewell?  It sounds like a very good idea.  If you’d like I could come with you and we could go this week.”

“I’d appreciate that, thank you.”

They moved closer together and Adam put his arm around Lucas.

“As for you sharing my bed,” Adam continued.  “How about we go up to bed together; you can read whilst I get myself ready to join you, and then, when you want to, you go back to your own bed?  That way you don’t need to actually sleep with me, but we get time together?”

Lucas nodded.  “That sounds good.”

“Because much as I would like to fuck you on the sofa and maybe, in time, I shall manage it, for now it’s so much easier in bed when I’ve taken the leg off.  And when I don’t have to go through all the palaver of putting it back on until the following morning.”

“I understand.  And it’s me causing the problems, not you.”

“Don’t make me remind you about Rome!”

Lucas laughed.  “Do you want me to make the tea?”

“Can do.  Or there are beers in the fridge if you’d prefer.  And a fruit cake in a tin on the side.”

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Seeing The Problems

Adam was already home when Lucas returned the following afternoon.  Lucas put his bag down and walked into the kitchen.

“Is there any tea in the pot?” he asked.

“No, why should there be?”

“I just wondered.  Do you want me to make some?”

“If you want.”

“Adam, what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing, just leave me alone!”

Lucas had picked the kettle up to fill it with water, but dropped it when Adam shouted the last words at him.  It landed on the work surface, but tipped over pouring the water which had been left inside onto the floor.

“Fucking hell, can’t you be more careful,” Adam shouted.

Lucas grabbed the roll of kitchen paper and knelt down to wipe it up.  Adam moved and Lucas curled in on himself, ready to be kicked.

“Leave it,” Adam said.

Lucas backed into the corner.

“Help me to get to a chair, I need to sit down,” Adam continued.  “And I don’t want to slip on the wet floor.”

Lucas stood up and gave Adam an arm and, making sure he was steady on his feet, helped him into the living room, where Adam sank gratefully onto the sofa.

Lucas then returned to the kitchen where he found a cloth and, shaking, dried the floor.  He then grabbed his bags and made for the stairs.  Adam spoke to him, but Lucas ignored him and when Adam called, “Lucas, listen,” he ran upstairs and made for his room, where he threw himself onto the bed.

Lucas lay on the bed feeling deflated.  He realised he had hoped Adam would follow him, and when Adam didn’t appear, he felt disappointed.  Lucas had been for a counselling session that afternoon, which had proved difficult, and as he’d driven back he’d been imagining the two of them sitting on the sofa together, cuddling and half watching the television.  His expectations had clearly been unrealistic.

Slowly he stood up.  He would go downstairs and apologise to Adam.  He could offer to cook and then he’d make an excuse and return to his bedroom.  Part of him wanted to leave at once, but he had promised Wes he would stay and he was not going to break his promise.

He walked downstairs.  Adam was sitting exactly where he had left him.  Lucas looked at him more closely and saw what looked like a couple of tears on Adam’s cheeks.  Instantly he rushed over to him.

“Adam, what’s wrong?  Is it Wes?” he asked urgently.

“No, from what I’ve heard Wes is fine – and far too busy to communicate with his father,” Adam replied.  “I’m so sorry, Lucas, I shouldn’t have shouted at you.  It was thoughtless.”

“I should have been more careful.”  Lucas sat next to Adam on the sofa and awkwardly put his arms round him.  “And I have to learn not to react as I did.”

“It was all my fault.  I had physio this afternoon and my leg’s been hurting and I felt rotten and I took it out on you.”

Lucas hugged Adam.  “I’d do anything to make you feel better.”

“Thank you, painkillers and rest are really what I need.  Although,” Adam thought for a moment, “would you mind making tea?  I really don’t feel like standing up any longer.  Or I can order a takeaway – that’s what Wes and I do.”

“I can cook.  Will spaghetti Bolognese do?”

“Sounds lovely.”  Adam paused, then added, “You had counselling this afternoon, didn’t you?  And I just made it worse.  Oh Lucas, I am sorry.  There’s really no need for you to cook.”

“It’s okay.  It was difficult, but we did make progress.  And I’d like to cook.”

“If you’re happy about it.  But is there anything I can do in return?”

“Well,” Lucas felt almost shy in asking, “I was hoping we could spend the evening together on the sofa.  But if you want to go to bed, I shall understand.”

“I’d rather not be too late tonight, but that still gives us time to watch a DVD.  If we choose something we both know, we won’t need to concentrate on the plot.”

“Sounds wonderful.”  Lucas leant over and kissed Adam, who kissed him back.  Reluctantly he broke away.  “Probably be a good idea if I got on with tea.”

“All right,” Adam said with a smile.  “We’ll continue later.”

***

Later that night Lucas lay awake.  He knew he hadn’t been entirely truthful in what he’d said about his counselling session.  He’d told Adam they had made progress, but he hadn’t really.  His reaction that afternoon had only proved it.  He loved Adam and he had been honest when he’d said he’d do anything to make Adam better.  But he couldn’t, and behaving like he had done only showed it.  It would be far better if he left at once.  Yes, it would be breaking his promise to Wes, but clearly he could no longer be relied on to keep his promises.

Lucas got up, dressed quietly and packed as much as he could.  His wash bag was in the bathroom, but that was okay – he could easily replace the contents.  He crept downstairs and went to pick up his keys from where he’d left them.  They weren’t on the table, so he got on his knees to look for them, in case they had been knocked onto the floor.  They weren’t there either.  He checked his pockets and then pulled the contents of his bag out.  He heard Adam calling out to him from upstairs, but he ignored him.

Then he heard the sound of Adam moving around awkwardly in his bedroom.  That wasn’t right and he hadn’t intended his departure to cause Adam more difficulty.  He ran back upstairs to see him.

“Lucas, what are you doing?” Adam asked.

“I’m leaving.  I’ve already caused you pain yesterday evening.  I’m going before I cause you any more.  Only I can’t find my keys.”

Adam looked at him and Lucas felt like crying at his expression of love and concern.

“The only pain you would cause me is if you leave,” Adam said.

“But …”

“Don’t argue.  Just get undressed and get into bed with me.  And don’t worry about the mess; it can be sorted in the morning.”

Lucas took his clothes off and crawled into bed with Adam.  “I’m so sorry,” he said.

Adam pulled him into a hug.  “It’s okay, it’s all okay.  And tomorrow I’ll tell you where I’ve hidden your keys.”

“You knew what I’d do.”

“I knew what you might do.  And I wasn’t giving you up without a fight.”

Ordinarily Lucas would have pulled back from Adam’s embrace before he let himself go to sleep, but the relief he felt was so strong he stayed in his arms.

***

Lucas drove Adam to pick Wes up a few days later.  Wes had clearly had a wonderful time and chatted away to them on the drive home, telling them all of his exploits.  It therefore came as a total surprise when he suddenly said, “And when’s Lucas moving in with us?”

“What?” exclaimed Adam, and Lucas braked rather sharper than necessary as they approached the next junction.

“It’s not quite that simple,” Adam replied.

“Why not?” Wes said.  “I’d like him to, so you can’t say it’s because of me.”

“We haven’t talked about it yet,” Adam said.

Lucas concentrated on the driving, but he hadn’t missed the ‘yet’ and the promise it held.

***

When they reached the house, Lucas said, “Right, Wes, let’s get you unpacked whilst your Dad cooks tea.”

Once they had started the unpacking Wes returned to the offensive.  “So, when are you going to talk about when you’re going to move in?”

“I can’t,” Lucas replied sadly.  “I’m not good for your Dad.”

“But you are,” Wes replied.  “He doesn’t look tired and he always looks tired.  And the only things which have changed are that I’ve been away and you’ve been here.  And before, when I’ve been to my grandparents, Dad’s still looked tired when I get back, sometimes even more so.  But this time he doesn’t.  _Cogito ergo sum_.”

Lucas laughed.  “I think you mean _Quod erat demonstrandum_.  But I still can’t.  I was going to break my promise to you and leave in the week.”

“But you didn’t.”

“No, because your dad had hidden my car keys.”

“See, that’s what I mean – you’re better together.”

Wes said no more and soon Adam called them down to eat.

Later that evening Adam asked Lucas, “In theory, do you object to the idea of moving in here?”

“No, I’d like it, but I’m not sure it’s the right thing for me to do.”

“You could find someone to talk it through with.”

“But who?”

“Your counsellor?  They’re supposed to help people sort out their thoughts on deep matters.”

“No.  I don’t talk about personal things like that with her.”

Adam laughed and Lucas felt slightly hurt.

“Oh, Lucas,” Adam said, “that’s so you.  And why I love you so much.”

Adam leant in and gave Lucas a kiss, which he returned.

At that moment Wes chose to walk through the sitting room.  “Don’t mind me,” he said.

“Don’t eat all the crisps,” Adam replied.

“I’ll leave you the crumbs in the bottom of the packet.”

Adam sighed, waited until Wes had disappeared into the kitchen, before turning back to Lucas.  “Why don’t you talk to Malcolm, then?”

***

A couple of days later, Lucas met Malcolm in a bookshop.  Having spent a pleasant half hour browsing and buying, Malcolm mentioned having found a new coffee shop which specialised in German cakes.

Malcolm led the way to the coffee shop, and once their order had been served, he said, “Right, what’s on your mind?”

“Nothing much.”

“Lucas North, if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you I shall take your cake away.”

“No!” Lucas laughed.  “Okay.  Adam has asked me to move in with him and Wes, but I’m not ready.”

“And what makes you say you’re not ready?”

“Because,” Lucas paused.  He never shared anything about himself if he could help it, and even with Malcolm, who he trusted more than anyone except Adam, he was unable to express the problem.  “Because I’m me.”

Malcolm nodded, “Yes, that about sums it up.  But you know we’re rarely ever fully ready with contingency plans for everything.  It’s like kids playing hide and seek.  The seeker counts to one hundred and then shouts, ‘Coming, ready _or not’_.  You’ve got to the point of wanting to move in with Adam – because if you didn’t we wouldn’t be having this conversation - so you’re as ready as you’re going to be.  I’m assuming Wes is okay with this?”

“Yes,” Lucas smiled.  “He brought it up in the first place.  He even thinks I’m good for Adam.”

“So what’s stopping you?”

“Me!”

“Let’s look at it in a practical way.  You’ve got what, three months left on the flat lease, after which you can renew or move.  If you move in with Adam and Wes now and one of you decides it’s not working, you’ll have time to move back to the flat and renew the lease.  If you wait to move until the lease is nearly up you’ll be putting extra unnecessary pressure on yourself.”

“So you think I should do it?”

“I think you should follow your heart.  And I know that hasn’t always gone well in the past, but I promise you, if I thought it was a bad idea I would tell you.  And whatever happens I shall always be here for you.  But there is one condition.”

“Which is?”

“If you do move in with Adam permanently I do not want my mother’s crockery back.”

“That’s okay.  I’ve grown rather attached to the soup tureen.”

“Good.”

Both men stood up and picked up their parcel of books.

“Keep in touch,” Malcolm said.

“I will, and thank you once again.”

***

They agreed Lucas would move in the following weekend.  Adam had wanted to help Lucas pack, but Wes persuaded him that he, Wes, would be more helpful with carrying up and down stairs.  With the result there was no discussion as to which of Lucas’ books and personal possessions were coming, they simply packed the lot and took them over.

When they entered Adam’s house they found Wes’ grandparents standing in the living room.  It was obvious they were unhappy.  As soon as she saw him, Wes’ grandmother said, “Go and pack an overnight bag, you’re spending the weekend with us.”

Wes stood stock still.  “Oh!”  Turning to Adam he said, “I can stay in my room if you and Lucas want time together.”

Adam looked horrified, “Wes, I’ve not said anything like that.”

Lucas looked around miserably.  “It’s okay.  I’ll go!”

Before he even had the chance to turn round he felt an arm on his back and Adam’s voice saying “You’re not leaving.”

“And neither am I,” Wes said defiantly.

The older couple glared at them and marched out without another word.

Adam went to make the coffee and Lucas followed him into the kitchen.

“Seriously,” Lucas said, “I’m not going to make you choose between me and Wes.”

“You’re not.  You’ve always made it quite clear you know how important Wes is to me.  And there is absolutely no question of choosing.  We all agreed you were moving in and nothing has changed.”

Slightly reassured Lucas went back into the living room and said to Wes, “I don’t want to come between you and your grandparents.”

“ _You_ aren’t,” Wes replied. 

“They’re worried about you and want to be sure you’re properly cared for, since your mother died.”

“I still miss mum, but no-one can take her place.”  Wes paused, looking at Lucas.  “Does that sound wrong?”

“Not at all.  I’m certainly not going to want to do so.”

“Good.  Giles at school has a new step-mother and she wants him to think of her as his mum.  He says it’s awful.  Anyway, everyone says all mums do is nag about homework and not leaving muddy footprints – and I’ve got Dad for that.”

Lucas laughed.  And then, unexpectedly, Wes launched himself at Lucas and threw his arms round him.  Surprised Lucas hugged him back.

At that moment Adam appeared with the coffee.  He put the mugs down and joined the other two in the hug.

“To our new life together,” Adam said.

 


	3. Coming to a Decision

Lucas gave a grateful sigh as he reached the door to the house.  It had been a tiring day.  He was no longer in the thick of events as he had been in Section D, but a current covert operation had had some unexpected results which his own section had needed to deal with, and he seemed to have spent all day racing from pillar to post.  His mood hadn’t been improved because part of the fall-out from the operation had affected traffic in south-west London, which had made his journey back painfully slow.

 He opened the door, feeling the familiar thrill of coming home.  Even though it was now two months since he’d officially moved in, he still found himself smiling as he crossed the threshold.  He was looking forward to having something to eat and a glass of wine and finally relaxing.  He’d sent a text to Adam to say he’d be late and Adam had replied they’d leave Lucas some dinner and to let them know when he was on his way so that it could be heated up ready.

But, when Lucas walked in there was no welcoming smell of hot food, only the sound of two raised voices.  The noise of him shutting the door clearly broke into the argument, because there was a final shout of “No!” followed by the angry stamp of feet going upstairs and then a slammed door.

Lucas went into the living room and saw Adam sitting on the sofa, looking tense and drawn.  Lucas raised his eyebrows, but Adam shook his head and said, “Don’t ask.”

“I thought I’d go and grab a shower,” Lucas said.  “Do you want me to run you a bath when I’ve finished?”

“Yes, please, that would be really kind of you,” Adam replied.

“No problem.”

Lucas went upstairs.  He could almost feel the tension emanating from Wes’ bedroom, so he made a conscious effort to walk evenly along the corridor so Wes could tell it was him and not Adam.  He had his shower, and revelled in the hot water as it helped to relax his muscles.  As he began to run the bath he heard Adam make his way slowly upstairs, and then about a minute later he heard Wes return downstairs.

Once dressed, with the bath run, he asked Adam if he needed any help.

“No, I’ll be fine.  I’ll take my time,” Adam said.

“Okay.  Don’t lock the door and call out if you need help getting out of the bath.”

“Will do.”  Adam gave him a small smile and Lucas felt reassured that, whatever had caused the argument, he was not directly responsible.

 Satisfied Adam could cope, Lucas went back downstairs, intending to get something to eat.  He hadn’t wanted to ask about dinner, not being sure whether he would be treading into a minefield.  However, he then noticed the smell of cooked food and walked into the kitchen, to find Wes serving out for him.

“Thank you,” Lucas said.

“Didn’t want you to go hungry,” Wes muttered.

“It’s appreciated.”  Lucas looked at Wes, and then added, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Wes sat down at the kitchen table with him.  “My grandparents want me to go to them for half-term,” he said in a rush.  “And Dad wants me to go too, because they’re planning all sorts of things to do, which he says he can’t manage.  But I want to stay here with him … and you.”

Lucas grinned at Wes to show he wasn’t upset by the gap before the ‘and you’.  “What sort of things?”

“There’s an air display on the Monday, and a jousting event at one of the big houses, and that new exhibition at Hampton Court.  And they were talking about going for a boat trip on the Thames.”

“They all sound like excellent things to do.”

“But I don’t want to do them with my grandparents; I want to do them with Dad.”  Wes stood up and looked as if he was about to leave.

Lucas waved a hand at him to sit down again, while he finished his mouthful of potato.  “Maybe you _can_ do them with your Dad.”

“No, Dad’s right.  It hurts him too much to stand for very long and he’d find the exhibition difficult because there are loads of stairs.  He might be able to find somewhere to sit, but if it’s raining that’s no good.”

“So what’s to stop me taking you if the weather’s bad?  And I bet we can find somewhere suitable to leave your Dad in Hampton Court.”

“Would you?  I mean, would you mind?”

“Not at all.  I’m due some leave, having worked all over Easter, so as long as your Dad’s happy with the idea, we can do it.”

“Brilliant!”  Wes leapt up and Lucas heard him thundering upstairs and along the corridor, stopping outside the bathroom.  “Dad!  Lucas has said he’ll take us everywhere.  Will that be okay?”

Lucas couldn’t hear the reply, so reluctantly he left his dinner and followed Wes.  He knocked on the bathroom door and went in when Adam answered him.

Adam smiled.  “Are you sure?”

“Of course.  It sounds like fun.”

Adam grinned.  “Excellent.  The two of you can run round looking at everything, and I’ll sit and watch.”

“You’re happy with the idea?”

“Very happy.  There’s no way I can do all those things on my own and I don’t want Wes to miss out.  This way I still get to do them, but without spending two hours lost in Hampton Court maze.”

Lucas laughed.  “Good.  In which case, I’ll go and finish my dinner and then pour us both a drink.”

***

While Adam had quickly accepted Lucas’ suggestion for the half-term, Wes’ grandparents were less easy to convince.  Adam had waited until the following day, when he phoned to thank them for their kind offer, but said that Wes would be remaining at home for the half-term holiday.

Lucas watched the expression on Adam’s face change from mild apprehension as to how his words would be received, to surprise and then anger.  Finally, Adam put the phone down without any form of farewell.

Adam was clearly furious and Lucas knew he himself was trying to curl into a ball as he sat in the armchair.  He still found sudden expressions of anger, even though not directed at him, hard to cope with, as an embarrassing event the week before had shown.

He had been at work, when one of his colleagues realised the set-up which had taken weeks of careful preparation was being brought to nothing by an agent’s carelessness.  Lucas had been engrossed in his own work and so had not realised what was happening, and when the man had suddenly shouted angrily he had not been prepared.

Lucas had acted on instinct and it wasn’t until he realised someone was pushing a mug of tea and a doughnut towards him that he noticed he was sitting huddled underneath his desk.  No-one had commented as he slowly emerged from under the desk and went back to work, but it had taken Adam a long time that evening to reassure him.

The following morning there had been a departmental meeting and, at the beginning, Lucas had swallowed hard and said quietly, “I’m sorry for my behaviour yesterday.”

The department head had smiled and said, “Don’t worry about it, all of us here have our own quirks and foibles.”  Lucas had looked around at the rest of his colleagues, who were all nodding in agreement, and allowed himself to relax.

Adam’s words broke into Lucas’ thoughts, “I need to go for a walk,” he said.  “Come with me?”

“Of course.”

Lucas went over to give Adam a hand up and ensure he was steady on his feet.  Lucas had learnt Adam’s response to anger had always been to run it off, but this was no longer possible.  Although Adam was coping day to day with his artificial leg, he still had problems when he over-exerted himself and in order to rid himself of the anger it was almost inevitable he would push himself too hard.

They set off at a brisk walk.  Lucas let his arm brush against Adam’s, but Adam pulled away, so Lucas left him to his thoughts and instead turned his own mind to planning the half term week.  He rather fancied the idea of going to Whipsnade Park, but wasn’t sure what Wes would think.

Lucas felt Adam take his hand and squeezed back.  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

Adam snorted.  “You probably gathered they were not happy about the decision.  They are saying they are concerned for Wes, but that’s not the real reason.”

“They don’t like me,” Lucas said.

“I don’t think they’d particularly like anyone who kept them from seeing their precious grandson.  Being their son-in-law’s gay lover just makes it worse.”

“But I’m not trying to stop them seeing Wes.”

“I know.  It’s not your fault.  But it got worse.  They’re taking a g _î_ te in the south of France for three weeks in the summer and would like Wes to go with them.  I’ve been invited to go too.”

“But I’m not.”

“That’s when I put the phone down.”

“You should go – you’d enjoy the break.  Go and enjoy a holiday with your son.”

Adam stopped and kissed Lucas.  “You mean it too.  You really do care for both of us that much.”

“Why don’t you?  I could go back to the flat while you’re away.”

“I thought your lease ran out in a few weeks’ time.  Have you decided to renew it?”

“I haven’t finally decided either way, but I don’t think I’d want to spend three weeks on my own in the house.”

“No-one said you should.”  Adam hugged Lucas, who hugged him back, grateful for the physical reassurance.  “I’m hoping Wes will agree to go with them for a couple of weeks, because I won’t be able to take all the summer holidays off.  But maybe we could go down and pick him up and have a bit of a holiday all three of us together.”

“That sounds good,” Lucas replied.  “If we flew down we could hire a car there.”

“Would you like to spend some time just with the two of us?”

“No, I think it better if you use all your leave with Wes.”

“If you’re sure.  We could have a couple of weeks in France and then I could spend a further week at home with him.”

“I could have a week off when you were working if that would help.”

“Do you really want to?”

Lucas grinned.  “It may seem strange, but doing things like that make me feel like I belong.  And it’s a very long time since I felt like I belonged anywhere.”

Adam didn’t reply, but put his arm around Lucas’ shoulders and they began to walk rather more slowly back to the house.

***

A few days’ later Lucas was sitting at the dining table.  He was concentrating on his laptop, so didn’t notice the footsteps behind him.  The “Boo!” said loudly, close to his right ear, made him jump.  Instantly he tried to defend himself from the attack, in the process knocking over his coffee.

He heard a voice say, “Lucas, I’m so sorry.  It’s all right, I’ll get the cloth.  Don’t worry, it’s all my fault.  Dad!  DAD!”

Lucas struggled to bring his emotions under control.  Theoretically he knew years of being subjected to suddenly being grabbed and dragged off for further interrogation couldn’t be overcome in a few months.  But every time he overreacted he still felt like a failure.  He heard Adam’s hurried footsteps and looked up to see Adam looking anxiously at him. 

“What happened?” Adam asked.

“It’s all my fault,” Wes repeated.  “I wasn’t thinking and said ‘Boo!’ to Lucas and made him jump.  I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Lucas replied, “I shouldn’t have responded like that.  I should have heard you coming.”  He felt terrible; Wes looked so upset at what he’d done.

Adam came over and removed the dripping cloth from Wes’ hand.  “Is anything broken?” he asked.

“No, just most of a mug of coffee over the table,” Lucas replied.

“Right, I’ll finish wiping this up,” Adam said.  “Wes, go and put the kettle on and make us both some more coffee.”

Once Wes had gone to do as he’d been told Adam drew Lucas into a hug.  “You may not think it,” he said, “but the fact you didn’t notice Wes coming is a sign of progress.  You’ve clearly relaxed enough not to be jumping at the smallest unexpected sound.”

“If you say so,” Lucas muttered, his voice half disappearing into Adam’s jumper.

“I do.  Come on, let’s go and sit on the settee while we wait for the coffee.”

Lucas let Adam lead him into the sitting room.  A few minutes later Wes appeared with a tray with two mugs of coffee, plus the remaining half of a packet of chocolate biscuits.

“True penitence,” Adam said.  “He’s even sharing his favourite biscuits.  It’s okay, Wes, no-one’s cross with you.”

Lucas smiled and picking up the packet offered Wes a biscuit.

“So,” Adam continued, “What were you so engrossed with you failed to hear the footsteps of my son?  He’s not generally known for being light footed.”

“I was trying to decide whether to renew the lease on the flat or whether to say I wouldn’t be needing it any more.”

 “Wes’ expression, which had lightened, returned to its previous woebegone state.  “And now you’ve decided to renew,” he said.

“Actually,” Lucas gave a small smile, “This has made my decision easier.  There’s nowhere I’d rather be than here, with you two.  You both accept me for what I am; so, as long as you’re both happy, I’m here to stay.”


End file.
